First, yes I have officially claimed this depression the Panic of 2008. After all, every other economically distressing period has been named "Panic of
Anyway, I was at work destroying a box of cardboard with such passion that I realized how much I hate cardboard. In fact, cardboard should be outlawed. No seriously. Congress should pass an Amendment to the Constitution banning cardboard from the grounds and airspace of the United States.
Why? Not only because I hate it, but because it will save America.
Think: cardboard is used for carrying things in bulk. Like napkins. Only, those napkins are boxed into smaller boxes of napkins, which are boxed into smaller plastic bags of napkins which ultimately get thrown out to use things to wipe your face with while eating which get thrown out. So basically, a 30'x30' box of bulk napkins is nothing more than garbage waiting to happen.
Only in America.
Think of the lowest jobs out there. Aside from garbage man (which is just another term for "mobster's nephew") and migrant worker, the lowest jobs out there are cashier and waiter. Seriously, being a waiter sucks so freakin' much that I dream of stabbing myself with a fork on an hourly basis. I just hate my customers so much, it's unhealthy.
I say we create an even lower job. It's called "Cardboardman." (Or if you're a feminist "Cardboardperson.") With the new outlawing of cardboard would also come a living wage. Instead of just a minimum wage, there's a living wage (something like 10 or 12 bucks an hour) which is for people who are heads of their household who need the money to make up for the dramatic increase of living expense. Ted Kennedy has been supporting this for years with that exact justification, and each time Congress has shot it down.
Despite the fact that they voted themselves a raise (27th Amendment) with the argument of an increased living expense.
If companies were given the choice between "Lose time having one person unload a truck of 4000 cans of soup" or "Spend less time having 20 people unload a truck of 4000 cans of soup" I think PriceChopper can afford to hire a few extra hands.
With people formerly out of the job now employed as "Cardboardpersons" they'll be gaining a living wage by performing an ultimately necessary task. Simply by eliminating cardboard millions of jobs will be created instantly. Thereby defeating Barack Obama's proposed "1.5 million saved or created jobs by 2010" in speed, dexterity, and sheer imagination.
Hell, I've just raped Franklin Roosevelt for creativity. He told CCC workers to go down to College of William & Mary and dig a hole in their park. Did he eliminate the very epidermis of modern industry and create 2.2 million jobs?
No.
Not only that, think of the emotional repurcussions the creation of "Cardboardpersons" will have on the rest of the populous. It'd be like a relaxing foot massage. Finally, you can kick up your feet and relex, knowing that for once in your life, someone is lower than you are. Not only serving people, but simply acting as nothing more than a replacement for some extraordinarily think paper.
12/14/08
No comments:
Post a Comment